


I can't accept it

by Frodo_lives



Category: Sorted (Website) RPF
Genre: Break Up, M/M, Rejection, one last try
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 13:53:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5250590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frodo_lives/pseuds/Frodo_lives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben left but Mike can't accept it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't accept it

_„I really like you“ - drunk, smiling and shy._  
_„Why are you doing this, over and over again?“ - sad, angry... disappointed._  
_„I can't do this anymore“ - clichéd. I want to laugh but it hurts too much._

_James has replaced me everywhere in Ben's life: on our show, in his pictures, in his bed... I thought it would stop hurting after a while but I guess I can't replace Ben as easily as he replaced me. I'm no longer part of Sorted; they don't need my music and Ben doesn't need me ruffling his hair during shots anymore. James does that now._

_It all started with these stupid comments. „More James!“, „He's so handsome!“. Well, Ben saw it, too, apparently. And, after all, James is so reliable._

_„Artistic expression“ and „crazy romance“ loses its luster when a relationship hits a rough patch, I guess. Then it's no more „Mike, what are you doing?“, said through laughter, as hundreds of rose petals lay on the floor. It's suddenly „Mike, are you crazy?“, said with disgust when the oven's burning while you're trying to cook. Then your smile withers when you see the anger. And you don't want to see that anger ever again. And you do more „crazy“ things because that's all you know to do. You bake, and sing, and try to be the best you can and all you get is refusal and apathy._

_In the end I guess it was my fault. I am unreliable. And lazy. And I do spend too much time focusing on myself. I play video games, I work out, I write music for hours. That used to be considered „cute“ and „passionate“. Maybe we weren't made for each other, after all?_

_I can't believe that. When I remember the way he used to look at me, I can't believe he didn't love me. Every couple faces hard times. But to me the spark was never gone. How could it be that it was gone for you?_

_I messed up a couple of times. Sometimes I wasn't there when I should've been. I didn't appreciate him enough. I didn't see the little things. I didn't understand certain things – things that made him proud and that I took for granted._

_But nobody has ever loved you the way I did. I was there to hold you when you needed me. I was there to make you laugh. I satisfied you. I wrote songs for you. I couldn't stand being apart from you. I took a picture of every damn quiche I saw. It's stupid but it always made you giggle. Does James take pictures of quiches for you? Does he satisfy you? Make you forget heaven and Earth when you're in his arms?_

_I can't accept this. It's been too long and I still can't accept it._

The outside of the building is dark. There's only one car left in the parking lot and Mike doesn't need to look at it to see whose it is. He walks into the offices that used to be so familiar and he feels a rush, as if he was doing something illegal.

It is, a little bit. He kept his spare key to the office without telling anyone and lucky for him, no one remembered.

Corridor, stairs, corridor, door – the big, yellow „S“, looking down on him, mocking.

The office space is empty and dark, as is the kitchen where Mike so often used to look at Ben from behind the camera.

He hears someone humming and he quietly walks up to the other kitchen, where Ben would always test recipes. Mike walks into the light but Ben doesn't notice yet. He's humming along to his iPod, mixing ingredients, completely immersed, like always.

Then he shrieks, turns around – batter spills on the floor.

He rips his earbuds out. Surprise, anger – they come so quickly.

„Mike?! Are you nuts?!“

Ben is... Ben. And he makes him feel the same damn way he used to.

„You've cut your hair“, Mike replies, clumsily, disappointed by Ben's new look. „It doesn't suit you“. It's a new, stylish cut that makes him look more aggresive. Not at all like the old, cuddly Ben Mike used to know.

„What are you doing here?“, Ben asks, a little calmer now. He plays cool but Mike can see fear in his eyes.

He's not scary, is he?

„Did he make you do it?“

Great going, Mike. There's no time like the present to talk about Ben's hair.

„I'm going to call James.“, Ben says and turns around, looking for his phone.

Like on autopilot, Mike is already reaching for his arm, stopping him in his tracks.

„Let me go.“

He can't hide his fear anymore and Mike lets go.

„What do you want?“, Ben spits out, as anger gathers in him.

„I came to see you.“

„We put out three videos a week. I can't stop you from watching them.“

„I couldn't watch it“, Mike says, feeling utter helplessness draining him. „It used to be my whole life. How could I watch it, knowing that it goes on as if I never existed?“

„Then why come here if you can't look at me?“

„Ben... because I love you.“

The Earth definitely stood still.  
Ben looks at Mike, a bit of empathy cracking through his anger.

„Mike... you can't--“

„I just accepted it when you told me off. But I can't accept it!“

The silence is heavy and Mike can see every thought in the world crossing Ben's mind.

„I'm over you.“

Mike gulps. Stab wound, right to the heart.

„You can't be.“

He can, though.

„I've made my choice.“

No, dear God, no.

„But how could you not have loved me?“, Mike pleads, feeling the tears escaping from his eyes. He won't stop them.

„I never said I didn't love you“, Ben admits, shifting uncomfortably. Mike knows that tone and he knows it's the truth.

„Then why'd you stop?“

It comes out less coherent than intended, but Ben understands.

„It just didn't work out.“

„That's not good enough!“ Mike didn't mean to yell but he couldn't help it.

Ben walks up to him. Mike can feel his faint, clean scent. Despite his anger and sadness it arouses him, like it always did.

„You need to leave. Mike, you need to get over this.“

Ben puts a hand on Mike's shoulder. It hurts how familiar it feels and how intoxicating it is.

„I really don't want to...“

His breath is shallow, as he's taking in the close proximity to Ben he's found himself in. He wants to take him, right where he is. He can't wait. He has to...

„Mike.“

His stern tone sobers Mike right up. He looks at his former lover. So close, and yet so far.

„I love you, Ben.“

Not what he meant to say. But nothing else matters now.

„You need to know that. I really love you. Ben, I can't--“

Ben looks sad.

„It's not enough.“

Another wound straight to where it hurts the most.

„How?“

Mike is crying now, shivering and all to close to collapsing onto the floor and never waking up again.

„I wasn't happy. I needed something else in life. Stability...“

„Screw it!“, Mike yells as he jerks away from Ben. „It has to be enough! It's all I have!“ He turns back to Ben and grabs his shoulders. „Please, don't you remember what it felt like?“

Ben tears Mike's hands away from his shoulders. His touch is almost too much to handle.

„I do. But...“

Mike looks into his eyes and Ben has a hard time saying anything else.

„Please, let me show you what it felt like...“, Mike says as he's gently reaching for Ben's cheeks. When he finally cups them again a shiver runs down his spine. He presses against him with his whole body and Ben can feel his arousal against his pants.

Ben doesn't want to give in and he tries to push Mike away--

But their lips already meet. Mike wraps himself around Ben, as if his soul had to hang on to dear life.

Seconds go by and Mike's heart is pounding in his chest.

It's actually happening again.

And then it's over way too soon.

And now Ben is in tears.

„Why are you doing this, over and over again?“

What?

„You keep breaking my heart. I'm so happy with James. And you just dare to come in here and...“

Ben doesn't finish. He turns around and runs away, leaving everything as it is.

Mike turns off the kitchen equipment, completely numb inside.

They possibly will find him on the ground tomorrow, and he will have no reason to wake up again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)
> 
> So, down the rabbit hole again - my first fanfic in a very long time. But it feels darn good to be doing this again :)


End file.
